


Iron Ladies

by ThreeHats



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Mulan (1998), amy schumer - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 08:39:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7708366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeHats/pseuds/ThreeHats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amy slammed the shot glass down onto the console in front of her, half of it comprised of a giant monitor that displayed various incursion points throughout the globe from both invading Skrull forces and clandestine HYDRA attacks. Various other dots scattered across the highly detailed digital map readout signified various heroic forces fighting back - Iron Man was battling the Ten Rings in China, Captain America was engaged in fisticuffs with Red Skull in Germany, while Hawkeye was in New York waging war against the public transport system.</p><p>All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Iron Ladies

**Characters:** Mulan (suggested by Joshua Krupp), Amy Schumer  
 **Location:** Tony Stark's Workshop  
 **Scenario:** Playing a Drinking Game

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.

\--

 

Amy slammed the shot glass down onto the console in front of her, half of it comprised of a giant monitor that displayed various incursion points throughout the globe from both invading Skrull forces and clandestine HYDRA attacks. Various other dots scattered across the highly detailed digital map readout signified various heroic forces fighting back - Iron Man was battling the Ten Rings in China, Captain America was engaged in fisticuffs with Red Skull in Germany, while Hawkeye was in New York waging war against the public transport system.

"Thissizz stupid!" she slurred incoherently, her neck receding into her shoulders as she winced at the taste of the whiskey. Tony had been stupid enough to leave his booze cabinet unlocked - presumably as some macho attempt at displaying his wealth, or maybe just because a good drink or two took the edge off when the world was about to be destroyed or invaded or given a cosmic reboot for the umpteenth time. "Why'sh the heroes always is fighting crime, when they could's a be fighting the patriarchy? And furthermore, why is is it that... we aren't heroes?"

"I think you're a so a hero!" Mulan cried out defensively, draping her lithe arm across Amy Schumer's shoulders. "Women and girls and other women look at you on the television or the hulu and they say man Amy Schumer, I wish I could also make the jokes and the laughing happens after the jokes."

They had met at a local convention for prominent women in entertainment. All the important female role models had been there. Lucy Lawless. Michelle Obama. Kim Kardashian. And after that they kinda ran out of names so they started bringing in fictional female characters to balance things out. Mulan and Amy Schumer had bumped into each other at the chocolate fountain, and had struck up a conversation after complimenting each other's dipping technique.

"I don't like to keep it in too long - also mind you don't get any on your fingers, it's sticky as hell!" Amy had instructed.

"That's what she said!" Mulan had replied. Their eyes had locked intimately. Only a select few were allowed to tell a "that's what she said" joke around Amy Schumer and be judged worthy for it. Mulan had been one of those few.

Tony Stark had also been attending the convention, insisting that introducing a young female Iron Man to replace him in the comics made him the most important feminist icon in media today. Tina Fey had tried arguing with him, but after a few seconds staring into the cryptic ocean of his eyes, she had buckled and swooned. The whole feminism movement kinda smarted after that one.

Later, Mr. Stark had hovered seductively near Amy and Mulan long enough to arouse their interests, and it took little more than an invitation back to his home in Malibu - specifically to the bedroom therein - to lure them to their current location. Sadly, before any threesomes could go down, Tony had been called away by his AI assistant Friday to fight the good fight. Amy had sulked for a good two and a half minutes before Mulan had stumbled upon his collection of hard liquor.

Now, they were about twelve drinks in - Mulan was sporting one of Tony's Iron Man suits, the helmet pulled back around her attractive eastern features, and Amy was attempting to discern whether any of his experimental weapons came with a vibrator function.

"Is just, is not cool!" Amy swallowed, reaching for a slender pink bottle of something and pouring it into a glass she could've sworn was constructed out of hard light holographic technology. Whatever it was, she was gonna pour its contents down the back of her throat. "Why is it is that a vagina... A vagina, can't be a hero! I have a vagina, why can't it be heroic? Is it is because I'm a drunks?"

"Hey hey!" Mulan snickered, her nose wrinkling as she elbowed Amy thoughtlessly, the suit likely bruising one of her ribs in the process. Amy was too far gone to notice. "Let's play never have I ever never... have... I never have ever!"

Amy's eyes flashed and she danced in place, her hourglass figure wobbling comically. "Yeah that's... that's the best idea, since... holy shit, all ideas."

Mulan coughed and raised her glass. "Never have I ever... pretended to be a dude to save China!"

Mulan drank. Amy's eyes narrowed, and then she also drank.

"Wait when... When'd you do that?" Mulan leaned in close and hissed the words into Amy's face, more perplexed than suspicious.

"I did it like... a while ago..." Amy lightly slapped Mulan's face away dismissively. "It was like... you can google it, I... Everyone thought I had a dick and then China was okay. It's fine. It happened. Drink more, quick."

They both drank again, the rules of the game already being eschewed in favor of simply more drinking. Then Amy raised her finger in exclamation. "Never have I ever... told a joke about my vagina."

Mulan drank. She stared expectantly at Amy and waited. Amy's jaw was set in place, her eyes wandering across the room as though deep in thought.

"Amy?"

"Whuzzat?"

"You gotta drink like a ton for that one," Mulan insisted, accidentally activating her helmet and squeaking in surprise at the sudden intrusion of the armor's heads-up-display. She carried on, her drunken voice reaching through the suit's audio system. "You make a vagina joke like every other time you talk!"

"Nuh-uh," Amy shook her head violently, like an upset child. "That's that is not me. That is other... comedian. I never. Oh god, how do you even begin to WEAR that?" She gestured vaguely at the red and gold shape that stood in front of her. "That's has it's got to give you cooch rash somethin' fierce, heyoooo!"

Amy snorted, and even Mulan couldn't help but start twitching her iron clad shoulders as she held in a loud series of chuckles.

"Hey! Never have I ever!" Amy announced, skipping Mulan's turn altogether. "Never have I ever ever fucked Tony Stark!"

They both went to drink, and then hesitated. They gave each other a knowing look.

"But we're totally gonna!" they said in unison, and drank anyway.


End file.
